Are We Focusing on Loving the Wrong Person?

".....I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." - Carrie Bradshaw

This quote is empowering in a way that I did not expect.....empowering because it's not from a place of pain or bitterness regarding love, it's from a place of revelation and acceptance. Learning to love oneself, genuine self-love is elusive and harder to grasp than one may think.

In our 20s, we are so pressed at finding Mr/Miss Right before our clocks start ticking at age 30. We make simple mistakes, love hard, and fall even harder! We are all over the place with no clear destination except to find the "end all, be all" loves of our lives. I honestly can not remember not 1 chapter of my life in my 20s where I focused on ME. (I am almost embarrassed to speak/type that aloud) I actually lived HARD AND FAST, making simple mistakes with huge consequences.....but now in my 30s as a single woman, "me" keeps popping into the plan without an effort.

I want to live out my dreams, explore my weaknesses, improve on some of the chore characteristics that are Erin Danielle Bush. Gone are the days of feeling the need to be loved unconditionally in order to love ourselves in the same manner.

Seeking validation from others has easily transitioned into self-affirmations. Fear melts away and you embrace that inner voice that you have ignored or muffled for years....the voice of strength, the voice of love.

Go ahead and love yourself ladies, be good to yourself. Replenish yourself.

Smooches & Self-Love Quick Claps

Not one drop of my self-respect is dependent on your acceptance of me. - Quincy Jones

Allow Me To REintroduce Myself

Dear World,

I believe we have been introduced many of times before but for some reason you seem to forget who I am.....my name is Erin Danielle Bush, since January 15th, 1977, I am a content black woman.

There are SO many ways that I can describe myself and so many ways I have been described (many adjectives that are not appropriate for this forum), from materialistic to loving. My character flaws are being overly controlling, an inability to be led, trusting, common sense, and being somewhat naive. My weakness - LOVE. (and shoes)

Most of my adult life has been me finding myself and searching for love that will last a lifetime. A bit frustrating but I was always optimistic about my future, especially when I fell in love with my best friend (BFF).

That relationship soothed my soul in ways that I can not explain! I enjoyed the environment that she created that gave me the opportunity to operate in authenticity, she was completely open to me being me - unconditional love at it's best. I grew as a person in that year and a half; everyone who knows me saw the change! The sparkle in my eyes, the switch in my step, the joy in my voice, the focus, the drive, the ability to dream, and to have faith - it was an amazing transformation......but there was something always getting in the way of what we had planned.

To give you the short of the long without disclosing too much of private info that is not mine to share - I always knew she missed the life she shared with her ex-wife. We are two totally different women (the ex and I), neither one being better than the other - just different. 8 years of love is impossible to erase or even ignore! The foundation that was built in those 8 years was meant to last; my time in love with my BFF, no matter how amazing it was for the both of us, was simply to prove that point. Maybe I should have never allowed her to cross the line, maybe karma is a bitch and I am getting what I deserve, maybe I needed to exist to strengthen what they have.....the two reunited in April before family, friends, and God.

Fast forward past the extreme heartache and deep sense of loss that I experienced when I found out about the union: the depression, the crying, the vomiting, the 15 pound weight-loss, the reclusion, the embarrassment, the confusion, ect.......today - May 22nd, 2009. Who am I?

I am a content black woman. I am acknowledging my flaws, faults, and sins. I am single, my ex is not obligated to me in any way and I have no right to interfere with her marriage nor her happiness - a clear choice was made April 25th. I am excited about what my future holds as I am creating it RIGHT NOW. I am stronger than you think. I am not easily broken. I am loved by many and adored by few. I am misunderstood. I am the woman that walks into a room and commands attention. I am a gem. I am all that my mother gave me and all that my father took away. I am jealous and insecure. I am materialistic. I am silent when I shouldn't be. I am opinionated. I am revered. I am envied. I am free-spirited. I am feisty and have a fire in my eyes. I am a new me!

Friendships have ended, respect has turned into disrespect, and love has been lost.....you can not beat me, my spirit will not be broken. You can test me, push my buttons, laugh, hate, lie - whatever you want and need to do, I will still be here living MY life. Know you are waisting your time because I am not moved! What I can and will do is remove myself from the situation with the dignity and grace that I have left.

Wondering what's next for me? I guess you are going to have to wait and see, I have so much more to offer the world.

PROUDLY Signed,
Erin Danielle Bush
Content Black Woman


"I have great joy in the Lord because now at last you have again expressed your concern for me. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in any circumstance. I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing. I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:10 - 4:13

Can You Ever Really Forgive If You Can't Forget?

Have you ever been involved with some who comes along and has the ability to change the rules? Rules that are set in stone, that exist to protect your heart? You become engulfed in the intoxicating dance of intimacy, the electricity of your chemistry that sizzles through your veins, the type of connection that allows for silent communication between a gaze.....yep, that would be the one that comes along and changes the rules without warning! (be careful, it's ALL in the eyes - they can make you melt)

Now your vulnerable and deep in, I mean deeper than you ever imagined humanly possible because you realize that you are living for this person, that you were uniquely designed and put on this Earth to love this person for a lifetime but something happens; something always happens that causes this person to shimmy away ever so slightly when you are looking for those solid signs that this is it, you are the one, you and I forever (ie: lies, infidelity, identity theft, double life, bad credit, and many more that I am sure that we could discuss for DAYS). You are exasperated and heartbroken...but you just can't walk away. This is the point when the rules have been changed, we think that we still have control but we don't because our heart and mojo are in someone's damn back pocket (or FAB clutch)!

If you stay, can you really forgive if you can not forget? Is keeping our mouths shut in a "don't ask, don't tell" kind of fashion good enough for some to be considered forgiven? Is pretending that the situation that broke your spirit didn't really happen the best policy or just pure convenience - but convenient for who?

Smooches & Forgive and Forget Quick Claps

Carrie's Quandary.......Erin's Quandary

"Soul mate....two little words, one big concept. A belief that someone, somewhere, is holding the key to your heart and you dream house. All you have to do if find them. So where is this person? And if you love someone and it didn't work out, does that mean they weren't your soul mate?"

- Carrie Bradshaw

Good question right? It has me up late thinking.....as if searching for this soul mate isn't hard enough while maintaining your own independence, now you have to wonder if you loved and it didn't work out or end in "I Do" whether or not is was just timing or because they are not your soul mate?!?! (I have to pour myself another glass of Moscato on this one)

I don't personally see marriage as the end all be all, at one point I thought I was missing the "bride gene" too (like Carrie) but then I realized how many marriages I know of that are faux; a facade, glossy and pretty on paper but weak and lacking that "thing". I am longing for a deeper connection, one that compliments the many dynamics of my multi-facaded personality. The dress, the ring (real or fake), the small details are not of any importance to me if we do not carry one another in our spirits.

Because I am an optomist, I am going to say that I believe in soul mates but that I also believe in timing! I have found my soul mate but we are not together.......how do I know? (I knew you were gonna ask! lol) Because with her I have grown exponentially, she brings out the extreme and real Erin - soft, sexy, pained, beligerent, protective, compromissing, caring, and posturing. She was strong enough to catch me and hold tight - period. (amazing in itself)

Now the timing thing......that's for another day!

Smooches & Quandary Quick Claps

Know What You Want in a Mate?

Wonder why all of your relationships have been failures? Then I think it's time to make "the list"!


This list is sort of a record to keep track of the attributes that you are NOT willing to negotiate. At the start of a relationship, pull this list out (hang that bitch on your bathroom mirror if you have to....I'm about to hang mine there now!!) and make an assessment - an honest assessment. The point of this assessment is to that when the dreamy courtship is history, the sex is declining, and there’s no such thing as hand holding you don't want to still be with this loser because it’s comfortable or it’s just easier than parting ways.


So, I decided to do a list myself. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be but I am happy with the outcome, I am CLEAR in what I want - here it is:


Honesty
Fidelity
Respect
Makes me a priority
Reliable
Romantic
Humorous
Chivalrous
Driven
Spontaneous
Assertive
Intelligent
A provider (but you know I am not interested in being a kept woman, that is SOOOO 1950)
Generous
Sexually free
A team player
An animal lover (Sheba & Kennedy need a Daddy...or an Uncle Daddy! lol)


Hope my list above can help assist you in the creation of yours. It's ALL about happiness in 2009 ladies!

Smooches & "The List" Quick Claps

Snooping - What's Fair and What's Cuckoo

Totally Fair - Going through his photos.

If something is an album, it's public, like an issue of People that's all about him!

Sometimes Fair - Opening a closed drawer.

Again, not a big deal. You were just looking for....this hair elastic. Wait, whose hair is that?

Not So Fair - Reading his email.

Not so innocent, but it's illegal only if you hack into someone's account. OR if you publish it, or use the information to harm or damange the person.

Following Him/Her - CUCKOO CUCKOO!!!

Following him/her out one night, watching him/her getting gas, noting that he/she buys a Eminem CD, and then donning a wig and sitting in the corner at the bar where he's drinking with his/her friends. NOW THAT'S NUTS!

Smooches & Snooping Quick Claps

Tips to Better Communication

Every word you speak within earshot of your mate can bring the two of your closer or insert a wedge between you. We choose to lace our words with honey or with venom, with compassion or contempt. With dedication and effort, we can learn to use words that come from a healthy place:

1. Do you hear me? - We've learned to use words as a shield, as a sword to cut deep, and as a way to take care of business. But listening is a tool we've overlooked-one that will bring us closer to the people we love, psychologists say. Most of us don't listen with the intent of understanding. We listen with the intent of replying.
   


2. Explain, don't blame - Many see finger-pointing as a put-down, to keep them receptive to what you're saying, always come from an I not you standpoint. Framing your statements like this: "I feel upset when you...," "What I'd really like..," "I get depressed when..."
   


3. Don't nag, brag - What we all crave is positive reinforcement, nagging is just the opposite. With you continually focused on what he/she doesn't accomplish, he/she may unconsciously be living down to your diminished expectations of him/her. Praising them for doing what they should be doing anyway may seem silly and unnecessary but many identify with achievement, with action, with getting it done.
   


4. Listen for "I love you," but watch for it, too - They bring home their paycheck. They buy your tampons. They walk the dog late at night. Are you getting the message? Some people's "language" has no vowels, consonants or verbs. If you're not trained to 'hear' his/her language, you'll miss out on all the heartfelt 'I love you' messages constantly being sent to you.
   


5. Choose your opportunities; choose your battles - It may be a cliché, but timing really is everything. Look for opportunities-such as car trips-when you have their undivided attention. Better yet, build them into your lifestyle. Daily walks, weekend excursions and other couple time will create that space and bring you closer. Sometimes, the best time to bring up that issue is never. Sisters in successful long-term relationships say they've learned to let some little things go.
   
   

Smooches & Communicative Quick Claps