Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Putting the Past Behind You

I received this email yesterday that discussed "putting the past behind you". Immediately I told myself that I am not one of those people who is held captive to their pasts but after a few moments of looking beneath the surface I know their is one situation that I replay over and over in my head - my period of homelessness in 2004.

I replay this situation simply to constantly try to see how I could have avoided this. Why didn't I see that my partner at the time was cheating on me and backing out of the relationship, why did I realize that I could not afford to be a full-time student if it meant depending solely on someone else to provide for me.....why, why, WHY? Was it really necessary to loose the roof over my head, eat of the garbage can at the Wendy's on Central Avenue (yeo, the one up the street from my house now), disrespect my body physically for a bed to lay in here and there, and accept public assistance along with those that I always thought I was better than (how shallow and ignorant to think that I was better than anyone) for me to realize that I was in control of my own destiny?

That's right, in control of my own destiny. For the past few years I have blamed my weak partner for abandoning me after I supported her financially for years, I blamed my parents for the tough love and finally cutting my spoiled ass off at age 26, I even blamed my friends for not making me (yes, I said it - making me) see the light before it was too late. Blaming whoever, whenever I could was easier that accepting that I dropped the ball! (funny how unclear you see facts when trapped in your past) Easier to continue in this unhealthy cycle of playing the victim and reliving the past than to forgive those that hurt me, forgiving myself, and seeing the bright, beautiful future ahead of me. Thinking about it and not talking about it keeps me trapped in my own private hell!

Was it the worst time of my life.....YES, but hitting rock bottom after a life of being spoiled and irresponsible was the best gift that life could have given me! I am the woman that you all know and love now because of that, I had a second chance to become the woman that I needed to be - starting from scratch with an empty apartment, a mattress on the floor, my cats, and one business suit. I am PROUD to say that I survived and came out the best Erin that I could be, a blessed child of God!

The email said "Today is a new day with new mercies. I put the past behind me, yesterday is gone. I will begin afresh today."

Words to live by, I know staring today I will live by them!

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